Cinco de Mayo ⭐️

In all my days of being Mexican-American, I've never come across Mexican food quite this bad. 

I've said this before and I'll say it again: if your friends want to go out for Mexican food in Toledo, go to Detroit. No, not Detroit Avenue, Detroit, Michigan. Or at least to Trenton where the Galans are still serving up some decent grub at Blue Margarita. 

Cinco de Mayo is the kind of place that you feel is ripping you off; offering up fattening comfort food--without any of the comfort--to folks that are hopefully too drunk to notice. Don't get me wrong; I don't mind a restaurant setting-up shop, finding a niche, then over the years, becoming part of the community. But this place's attitude is straight brazen, as if to say: "Hey, we've got people working here who can hardly speak English. That makes this authentic food." 

Don't think so. You get a couple points for ambiance, but that doesn't mean anyone here can cook. 

On a recent Saturday night I ventured-in to the Cinco de Mayo on east Alexis. 

The place was packed, which I expected because, well, it was the weekend, and they serve alcohol. 

I ordered the Guadalajara combo platter and a Modelo Negro. 

I wasn't sure what to expect, but when my plate of food arrived, all I could think was, "Damn, some of this stuff would be literally unrecognizable to even a newbie Tex-Mex connoisseur."

One culinary oddity in this combo was a lump of oily ground beef, gray in color, seasoned and smothered in cheese. The "tamales" were large and dense, with too much masa. The cornmeal far outweighed the somewhat flavorful pork inside. The chicken burrito was bland. The chimichanga was the  bomb--a gut bomb--it was heavy, and fully armed with an oily payload sure to destroy its target. 

The enchilada sauce was somewhat savory, albeit too sweet. But at least it was a nice contrast to the rest of the plate which was all marching to the beat of the same drum. A fat, tasteless drum. Everything on this plate was smothered in cheese, which lent nothing to the flavor of any of it. I can only assume the cheese was used as a clever disguise, and to offer a few additional calories. The salsa was palatable. Chips were good. 

The fact that there are a few of these restaurants dotting the metro-Toledo area is straight-up scary.  

But ho-hum. Maybe a certain crowd is fine with overpriced, colorful drinks and brightly colored decor, and food that is quite the opposite. If that's you, then go ahead--eat, drink, and be merry. 

And service? Nothing special here. This won't be a place where you'll continue to come back and sit in your favorite server's section--unless, of course, you're an alcoholic. 

Life is too short to waste time eating stuff like this.